Phobias

Today, I'm immersed in a different kind of "Dust Covered and Discouraged". Instead of choosing and tossing garments in my closet...I've moved on to the garage and am making different piles this time:

Keep ... Junk ... Goodwill ... Need Mr. Smart Guy to Choose

So, as I've been adding stuff to heaps and mounds of piles,  I happened across yet another can of bug spray! 

Oh, they're not mine .... they are Mr. Smart Guys!  He is the one who has a bee/wasp/hornet/anything-that-buzzes-nearby phobia as is evidenced by my garage findings.  I collected ALL of the cans and just smiled because of a funny memory; I remembered a time early in our marriage when we had pulled up to a fast-food drive through.  He was driving and placed our order and then coasted up to the pickup window when, all of a sudden  ........

he freaked out!!

And, it was just as he was handing me my drink.

He jumped out of the car and started waving his arms around like a crazy man while I was dealing with a spilled drink all over me.  Can't you just see the chaos that ensued after that? lol

Hmm...maybe I should have put a can of spray in the car? ;)

What a Match!

Mr. Smart Guy & Newton

... a match made in heaven.

(literally!)

A Girl of Expectation

"An inviting, high-velocity ride through our most treasured mental act - deciding.  This is truly one of the most accessible and richly informed books on human choice.  It's a must-read for anyone interested in the human mind and how cutting-edge research changes the way we think about ourselves.  A marvelous success."

- Read Montague

Brown Foundation Professor of Neuroscience

Baylor College of Medicine

... I read that and I was hooked so I picked up the book, "How We Decide", by John Lehrer and have been making my way through it at a surprisingly slow pace (at least for me, the bookworm). I'm almost at the point where I want to draft an outline of the brain and label each new part that the author brings up so that I can put a visual with it.  Hey...I think I'll do that! lol :)

Anyway, despite the author's hard core bend as an evolutionist, he really does make the inner workings of our decision making system more palatable.  In fact, in the beginning he caught my attention as he described the predictions of dopamine,

"But happiness isn't the only feeling that dopamine produces.  Scientists now know that this neurotransmitter helps to regulate all of our emotions, from the first stirrings of love to the most visceral forms of disgust.  It is the common neural currency of the mind, the molecule that helps us decide among alternatives.  By looking at how dopamine works inside the brain, we can see why feelings are capable of providing deep insights."

Oh, so there is regulation of my emotions, after all?   ....huh!

But, I really got excited when he said,

"What's interesting about this system is that it's all about expectation.  Dopamine neurons constantly generate patterns based on experience:  if this, then that.  The cacophony of reality is distilled into models of correlation that allow the brain to anticipate what will happen next."

It sent me flying over to Wikipedia to see what it says about dopamine, 

"Further, dopamine neurons are depressed when the expected reward is omitted.  Thus, dopamine neurons seem to encode the prediction error of rewarding outcomes.  In nature, we learn to repeat behaviors that lead to maximize rewards."

What??  I have a system within my brain that is providing me with expectations?  This news is huge!  

Here's why...if you had a conversation with Mr. Smart Guy about the one thing that sends me into an emotional twirl he would simply say, "She's a girl of expectation."  And, he's right.  

I plan, I do, I expect.  I am a girl with expectations and I tend to reel from the disappointments when they aren't met. But, to know that this may be happening in my brain and I'm truly unaware of it?  Could it really be possible that my expectations in life aren't based on emotional choice but are the result of neuron activity responding to past experiences? 

Now that's something to think about! 

He Started It

My life as a change agent, charged with pushing through barriers of stagnation, is proving to be exhilarating, scary, whirlwind-y and full of "wow...that's new!" exclamations.  My role recently ramped up by orders of magnitude when Mr. Smart Guy and I chose to pursue the Coastal Craziness route and it seems that now each day brings new change in some variation.  I've been hurdling giant leaps of "what was" and donning my fantastic looking bifocals so that I could clearly see "what might be" ahead of me.  

...but now, in the midst of major life change, I need to make a cell phone decision??

aaaagghhhhh!!

Ok, ok, ok.  Let me settle down a bit so that I can fill you in on the details without all of the temperamental fits of expletives. lol

My cell phone (by which I'm attached to semi-permanently because I don't own a house phone or an alarm clock and am a textin' fool) had been sending me signals for a week or two.  You know the kind of signals, the ones that alert you to the device's impending electronic death.  So, with a half-hearted strategy, I started to look at my available options and decided I needed to talk it over with Mr. Smart Guy.  I grabbed my phone, entered the speed-dial number and ... a silent death occurred. That was it!  It died.  Quickly, suddenly and despite my no-plan-of-action self.  I was, for the first time in a long time, without a working phone.

I sat there totally befuddled and wondered what I was going to do.  Aha! ...an idea popped into my head!  I snuck into Theatre Dude's room to get his phone and as I stepped ever so lightly to his nightstand, "MOM!  What are you doing", he screamed.  (so much for lightly, eh?)  I tip-toed out of his room and proceeded to call Mr. Smart Guy. After several minutes of mourning to him about my cell phone situation he quickly stopped me and said, "Baby, just go get an iPhone".  

With my heart pounding out of my chest at the thought of such an extravagant gift and knowing that he has been wanting an iPhone forever, I peeped, "Are you sure?  Um, let me just check it out tomorrow morning and I'll let ya know". So, we talked, laughed and then ended our conversation in our usual way of terms of endearment and affirmations of love.

The next morning I set off to the stores but once I had the iPhone in my hand there was no turning back; I had to have it! But, it felt so weird to buy an Apple product on my own without Mr. Smart Guy by my side asking all of the deep technical questions while I proudly stood on the sidelines admiring him.  

It was an even stranger experience when I got home and had to set up the phone a la solo.  I managed to get the phone and all of the accessories out of their packaging before tears started to pour down my cheeks as I slipped into this huge void of sadness.  You see, Mr. Smart guy is the one who started it all; my love affair with Apple.  He is the one who helps me understand how to work all things electronic and keeps me well-stocked with the latest techie goodies.  It's him, the smart one, who gets the new thing all ready and then hands it to me ready to go.

Anyway, I launched myself into another adventure of iChange and continue to press on with my mission as change agent.  Only this time ... it's change agent with an iPhone!   btw...the phone is crazy cool! ;)

The Reality

The company, who made headlines all around the nation, but even more so here because they were headquartered in this city, have finally closed their stores.  Once known as a solid company with engineers that developed leading-edge technologies had somehow stumbled down the wrong product and marketing paths which seem to have ultimately led to it's demise.  

It was just a short 12 years ago that Mr. Smart Guy took a position with this company that brought us to Richmond from Seattle.  His career grew leaps and bounds within the company until years later when it was time for Mr. Smart Guy to move on to a different company.  But, I think we both have a big soft spot in our hearts for this company because we talked about it much as we watched their stock prices plummet to the ground. My friends, some long term employees, have faced the inevitable severance packages and lay-off notices and are now trying to make their way through the reality of unemployment.  

However, it still took me by surprise when I went to another store next to where Circuit City used to be.  I looked at the now empty building and logo-less store front and felt the weight of our economy crashing down on my city.  With tears in my eyes I feel like I am grieving yet another loss. 

Only this loss is somehow tied to the gratefulness that's in my heart for the opportunities and advancements that were afforded to Mr. Smart Guy while he was with the company.  

The reality is ... I have to say another sad goodbye. ;(

Intelligent Design

Every now and again Mr. Smart Guy reels me in to an adventure of learning that I didn't anticipate but that allows me to expand my intellectual horizon beyond what I would normally choose.  Last week was definitely one of those times.  He came home from the local bookstore with a new find that had him beaming from ear to ear.  

"I bought a really great movie for us to watch after dinner.  I think you'll like it because I've heard really good things about it."

(please stop to note: Mr. Smart Guy enjoys movies.  Any genre, any movie, even poorly done movies that most people deem ridiculous.  He loves movies.)

I glanced at my friend, who was over for dinner, trying to apologize with my eyes via the kind of look that conveys, "Oh, no!  This might get super ugly.  Feel free to run out the door if you want to, but wait, on second thought, run now!"

We made our way through dinner but it was obvious Mr. Smart Guy was tearing through his food and sprinting to finish his plate off so we could get to the movie.  The doorbell rang and it was another one of our friends.  Mr. Smart Guy invited him over to watch it, too.

(please stop to note:  this duo is known for their conspiracy theory extravaganzas that last until the wee hours of the morning.)

Now, my senses picked up on something.  I ventured to find out more.

"Are you sure this is a movie, movie? One with a story and everything?" I asked hesitantly.

Mr. Smart Guy was at the dvd player inserting the golden cd as he shook his head up and down vigorously affirming that it truly was a movie.  Everyone claimed their spot in the living room to get comfy in, the house lights went down and the opening credits rolled.  

It caught me off guard.  

I wasn't aware that the scientific community no longer embraced or allowed discussions of Intelligent Design as a possible option to explain our earthly existence. I was shocked that pro Intelligent Design scientists have suffered and are suffering devastating career repercussions for their choice.  Their choice to believe that the earth and everything in it was created by an Intelligent Designer.

Appalled.

I Sighed

I stepped into his closet.

Each piece of clothing draped on hangers spaced evenly apart.

I could almost see him standing here, choosing what to wear.

And, I sighed.

I grabbed his shirt.

A sweatshirt made of soft fabric,  just like his touch, in his favorite color grey.

I hid my face in the folds of it and could almost smell his cologne.

And, I sighed.

I put his shirt on.

I could almost sense him smiling at my good choice.

I made my way out of the closet and towards our bed.

And, I sighed.

I climbed under the covers.

I laid on his side so that I could put my head where his had been.

I could almost feel him wrapping his arms around me.

And, I sighed.

I closed my eyes.

I wanted to lay there until he came home again.

I could almost feel the time passing by more quickly.

And, I sighed.

In my attempt to prepare for our upcoming trip to California, I asked Angi and Dell, aka the big brother, to help coach us through understanding all things crate-airline related.

With dimensions in hand, I took off to the pet store to get the brand-spanking new crate that's appropriate for air travel. I set it up in the kitchen and snoopy baby mini runs over ...

...sniff, sniff...

and proceeds to back up quickly with deft, dance-style moves.

uh-uh. nope. no way.

i don't care what you're thinking about...I'm NOT in!

...wait...

I hear Daddy coming home from work.

SAVE ME, DADDY, PLEAASSSEE!!

Mr. Smart Guy gives Cappie lots of lovin' and then begins to negotiate terms of getting near the new crate.

Ok, Daddy....maybe.

Hold the treat there and I might stand close to the crate.

But, that's it!!

No way! I am not going in!

Then Mr. Smart Guy says, "Let's take the top off and see if he'll just check it out. Maybe he doesn't like how closed in it is."

MMpphh...why are you guys so intent on wanting me to see this thing?

Pretty interesting....but I'm not getting in it. No way! uh-uh.

We quickly come to the decision that our approach is not working. We take the crate upstairs and set it side-by-side his normal crate. And, amidst Copernicus' verbal disapproval....put him in the crate.

I'm not happy!!

I don't care about the treat that's right next to me.

WHAT is happening??

...and, now you wanna take pictures of this injustice??

I hurried. I tried to make it painless as possible for him. But, he's spoiled and pouted for the rest of the evening.

After the initial shock of the smaller, more enclosed atmosphere, Cappie did spend more time in the airline crate without further incident.

He's ready to fly.

Am I?

Anniversary

Anniversary: April 2

Roses made her squeel with delight.

A book made him bust into wild expressions of appreciation.

Dinner at home of grilled steak, baked potato, sauteed mushrooms, steamed broccoli.

Conversation that traversed dating, wedding and a love that keeps getting stronger.

Yeah, I really do love him that much!