Dust Covered and Discouraged

I scrutinized each item thoroughly and placed it in the pile for its destiny.  

Keep.     Summer.     Trash.     Winter.     Donation.     Wishful.

Keep:  an easy choice.  The known five choice pieces of clothing that I really  like, currently wear and actually fit into.

Summer:  another easy choice.  If it didn't have sleeves or leg length below my calf, it was placed in this pile.

Trash:  an even easier choice.  The appropriate pile for eyed rips, tears and ... what IS that?

Donation:  a super easy choice and the biggest pile by far.  A huge heap of stuff that was surely bought on a whim or because the sale was too good to pass up.  

Wishful:  the hardest choice.  This is the choice that took me the longest to make, created the most angst and sent me reeling down memory lane with the fabric .  Transported back in time when I was THAT size (comfortably).  The feel of the item pushing my brain into THAT moment when I was wearing THIS dress and...oh, the memories.

Then, I shook myself to reality.  

Sadly, I acquiesced.  

There cannot be a Wishful pile.  That size surely won't be seen again by my much more antiqued, maternal, ready for winter body.

The Wishful pile had to be dismantled and the items tossed into one of the existing piles with the exception of the Keep pile.

With all of the expended effort behind me, I emerged dust covered and discouraged from my closet proclaiming...

I don't have anything to wear.

A Storm Rolls In

There it is in the distance.

Moving towards my life.

Not wanting to give way to fear.

But unsure of how to do that at times.

Watching and waiting as another storm rolls in.

It's threatening even from miles away.

With intensity that stirs up such passionate emotions

in me.

Despite the forward swirling movement, there is beauty unfolding.

Right next to me.

Close.

Grabbing my attention.

And, then...seemingly out of nowhere

the storm makes its presence known.

Blinding.

Slinging hit after hit.

Blustering its way in me

 over me

and even through me.

And I start surviving.

Blinking furiously to ward off the rain.

Purposely sitting taller in an effort to bully the storm away from me.

Pressing my shoulders back in defiance against the wind.

I will not give in.

I will not back down.

It is only a storm.

And 

it 

will 

pass.

With the onslaught over, I release my warrior stance. 

 and look up.

There is a gift.  

The kind of gift that only comes after storms pass.

No matter the size or strength of the storm

the gift is always there.

The rainbow pushing through the backdrop of darkness.

And, I see the beauty of change.

Gently making its way in me.

Over me.

And even through me.

Slice of Life

It's a new find for me while I investigated the just-built, just-opened Whole Foods Market.

My new find has taken the yuk out of the need. 

Need:  vitamins on a daily basis.

Status:  disregarding nutrional recommendation to ingest vitamins due to disgust.

New find: gummy vitamins!

Status:  loving my vitamins and have taken them consistently for 3 weeks.

They're a new fave from Hero Nutritionals (although the site appears to be under some construction).

Check 'em out...get healthy! ;)

Thoughtful Tuesday

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically.  We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly.  We grow partially.  We are relative.  We are mature in one realm, childish in another.  The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present.  We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

- Anais Nin

Welcome Home, Newton!

Another addition to our family.

Completely adorable.  

Definitely daddy's boy.

Absolutely perfect for Copernicus.

Welcome home, Newton!

I've Been...

I've been ...

waiting.

I've been talking about this day for months.

I've been dreaming of how my days would be if he were here.

I've been... 

staring.

Amazed at how gorgeous he is.

Wanting to jump beside him and listen to his heartbeat.

I've been....

nesting.  

Organizing and painting and readying the room.

Shopping in search of the best of the best welcome home toy.

I've been...

loving.

My heart full of joy and anticipation for him.

We pick him up tomorrow.

Newton da Vinci

Change

Do I watch it from the inside out?

...maybe even let it pass me by because where I sit is so comfortable?
So normal.

Or, do I begin to accept that change is for my benefit and take small steps toward new adventures?

Knowing that as I enter into the change process, I will need to be intentional. I will need piercing eyes that bring vision and clarity despite the feeling that I'm moving way too fast.

Turning slightly for a respite from the full-on frontal movement of change. Letting my eyes adjust a moment to a new place of being. Accepting the fact that I'm not done yet, but surveying where I am at the moment.

And...then getting back into focus. Turning my eyes towards the future once again. Back into the currents of change, steadying my thoughts and emotions and allowing the plan for my life to unfold without resistance. Allowing myself to enjoy the winds of change.

Emotional

* sigh *

Thoughtful Tuesday

"Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world".  

- Jane Addams

A Quiet, Sleepy Kind of Morning

The freezing air presses against the window pane, threatening to invade the warmth.  

The morning steals the darkness away, almost secretively, letting slivers of light enter the room unobtrusively.

Scents of lavender, sage and chamomile float lazily in the air while the cup of tea steeps quietly on the ledge.

....and the morning begins.  

A quiet, sleepy kind of morning 

for one 

in need of a hideaway 

from the discussions and decisions.

iChanged to Mac

It started out something like this...



Then became even more difficult with this...



So I decided to change ...



Another adventure. Another iChange.

Dog Bites

We headed outside for an early evening walk, ready to enjoy the almost-but-not-quite-brisk air and take in the first scents of the fall season.

We turned the corner, made our way down the driveway and saw our neighbor and her dog waiting for us in the cul-de-sac. We tried several times to begin conversation, however, her dog did everything he could to prevent that from happening.

I had already taken Copernicus off his leash and allowed him to investigate the grounds around me. He calmly sniffed, stayed close to me and did show some interest in the little white dog. Neighbor's dog, though, barked and growled and was agitated at being held and restrained by his owner.

All of a sudden, the dog jumped out of her arms.

It happened so fast.

Neighbor grabbed the little white blur, firmly gripping him in her arms as she apologized profusely for her dog's aggressiveness.

I felt it even as she was talking. Sore and somewhat moist. I put my hand on the area to feel what had happened and she said, "Did he bite you"?

Incredulous, I pulled my shorts up and there it was - a bite. A dog bite! He barely broke the skin but the bite was fairly large.

I tried not to make a big deal of it. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then went home with my well-socialized, well trained schnauzer guy, Copernicus.



After all the excitement we settled in and stretched out on the bed. The only choice was to watch an episode of the Dog Whisperer.

I think I'd like to leave an anonymous gift set of the show's first season on her porch. What do you think?

But...I'm a Bookworm!

Books are my thing.

I say this as I shrug my shoulders, tilt my head to one side and brandish a half-smile, half-smirk. Books invite and envelope me. They nourish me, encourage me, challenge me to think critically and fuel me to generate my own creativity.

But, I am a hopeless bookworm.

I find myself apologizing for my bookworming because there are those unfortunate times when I ward off person-to-person contact so that I can ingest a new read. Or, re-read an old read. ;)

Yesterday, I devoured Nora Ephron's funny take on aging in I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman. I felt like I was sitting in my living room with her and having a wildly amusing exchange about my own aging process. I needed to laugh. I needed to feel connected. Nora brought that to my day yesterday.

But, as I realized this morning, it was at the expense of a real relationship. Ugh, let me explain.

He initiated. He asked me to go.

There's been sporadic pain for a few weeks and then a lump appeared and seemed to make it's home in the center of his wrist. So, we're at the doctor's office getting it checked out. In between the signing in, taking a seat, going here for x-rays and the doctor popping in and out - there was a moment.

He was chatty. Revealing himself in a conversational, vulnerable way. He outright told me that he wanted to talk.

And, I missed it!

I totally chose my book over him in that instance. I was page turning. My nose full in the book and my brain so far away from where I was physically sitting. Next to him.

I should have been enjoying the alone time with him. I should have seized the opportunity to be allowed into his world and absorb all of the details he wanted to provide.

I missed it. And, I'm really sad about that.

But, today, I'm on high alert. Waiting for another chance. Knowing those moments don't come very often anymore.

Not when he's almost 17.

Thoughtful Tuesday

"Hope is a projection of the imagination; so is despair. Despair all too readily embraces the ills it foresees; hope is an energy and arouses the mind to explore every possibility to combat them...

In response to hope the imagination is aroused to picture every possible issue, to try every door, to fit together even the most heterogeneous pieces in the puzzle. After the solution has been found it is difficult to recall the steps taken - so many of them are just below the level of consciousness."

-Thornton Wilder

Focusing in the Change Process

10.11.08

Wintergreen, VA

As soon as the weather turns cold, our thoughts turn toward change. The mountains begin to display the glorious colors of fall and we begin to anticipate and wait for the change. We readily make plans to be in the midst of the change so we can see it up close and personal. Now, juxtapose this with our own life change process.

Is there any anticipation of true change?

Is there willingness to wait for "peak" conditions?

Do we position ourselves to embrace change or to prevent it?

We try to prevent it and typically have our feet planted in the ground with much angst, forcefully pushing against change in the opposite direction. Sweating from exertion and hardly able to breathe, we relent and change only because we can no longer resist it. The pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of keeping things in line with the status quo.

We lean towards not welcoming or anticipating change with the mindset of the beauty it produces. We tend to focus on the pain that's involved in the change process. We lose sight, if we ever had it to begin with, that change roots out things that must go so that new things can come.

It's not quite the glorious change of color that we might otherwise produce in our lives if we went with the flow and rhythym of transformation.

What new things might develop today if we were to allow change a natural path to weave through our lives?

I would love to hear your answer...would you be kind enough to post?

An Unlikely Angel

An Unlikely Angel, written by Ashley Smith with Stacy Mattingly, is Ashley's personal account of being kidnapped and held hostage by Brian Nichols in 2005. Held hostage for seven hours, she was able to talk with her kidnapper about her struggle with drug addiction, her daughter, her story of widowhood, God, The Purpose Driven Life book she was reading, and taking accountability for her actions. She has been hailed as a hero for keeping her composure in crisis and contributing to Brian Nichols surrender and arrest for murder.

Unfortunately, I didn't like the book very much. Several parts were repetitive and reduntant and I found it difficult to finish reading just because of sheer boredom.

With that being said, I try to get at least one good take-away from even the worst of books. And, with that in mind, I was able to grab two good points out of this one.

• God uses imperfect people to accomplish much in this life.
• God doesn't give up on us despite our ability to give up on ourselves.

Rating: 3 out of 10 (don't bother reading)

Any recommendations for my next read?

Choose Well

There was good wisdom doled out by Jillian Michaels last night on The Biggest Loser.

She said, "One of the most powerful tools that you have in this life is the ability to make a choice. You realize that you're empowered when you choose".

Think on that today, friends, and choose well!

I Thought I Was...

I recycle paper, plastic and glass.

I actively look for ways to make my carbon imprint less.

I ask for groceries to be "paper" bagged.

So, imagine the shock of cleaning out my pantry and finding ...

I thought I was a tree hugger.

(said with head hanging down, shuffling feet a bit,
wondering who I really am)

We're Ready

Sometimes change is desired and sought after. And, in the case of our miniature schnauzer family, we've sought change. We're bringing Newton da Vinci home in two weeks and he will bring much change with him.

But, we're ready.

We've prepared for him. We've done the logistics and bought the supplies.

We're ready.

But, with a puppy, we know there are changes coming that we have no way of preparing for. We just brace ourselves for a period of time when there will be puppy whining, biting, chewing, no sleep, constant watch over each move the puppy makes, and not being able to leave the puppy home alone for longer than an hour.

Those are the changes that require flexibility.

Those are the times when vision must look past the immediate circumstance and pain of change into the future at what will be...despite what is.

Change is good.

We're ready.

These are the Days

when preparation doesn't bring perfect plans,

when fear isn't allowed to drive behavior,

when praise echoes no matter the cost.

I believe that God has a plan for me and my family that brings Him glory and honor.

These are the days.

Post-Travel Mania Distress

I'm home sweet home. It feels good. I begin to perch into my favorite spot on the sofa and stretch like a contented cat when all of a sudden...

panic hits!

I'm still on some type of West Coast time so by the time I even get out of bed I'm behind. 3 hours behind.

My internal clock says it's 9am but my real-to-the-moment clock says it's noon already. I look at my iTouch calendar to see how today will roll and

panic hits!

Not only am I slammed jammed with fun today but tomorrow and the next day as well.

How did this happen? Did I really not prepare for a rest before engaging in full on hometown life?

*sigh*

I gotta get moving.